NAZIS.

"Femtakt Fillosofi" by Kaizers Orchestra

My whole family was just attacked by Nazis. (the song isn't German. It's Norwegian I'm pretty sure. But It still embodies the post so THERE!)

I'm serious though

Sorry. Please don't misinterpret this as some sick joke. Let me explain.

I have found a lot of insects in Illinois. Most of which I don't have a name for. So I have started comparing insect species to world governments/civilizations/peoples/whatever a little bit of everything.

For instance, the cellar spider or "daddy long leg species" are all North Koreans. They hate outsiders, but they mind their own business (for the most part). All other species of spider are American. Some are weaker and more oppressed than others and some are going to do everything they can to kill you and your relatives.

Cockroaches are your "stereotypical" American Asians. (Note: I am not comparing people to animals I am doing the opposite, please don't misinterpret or over-interpret.) They are incredibly resilient, hard working, and even seeing one can make you doubt your own capabilities.

Ants are all Chinese. There are a bazillion and they work really really well together and achieve wonderful feats.

Fire/Army ants are Mongols. There are a million, they work well together, and they kill babies.

With all that said...

MY FAMILY WAS ATTACKED BY NAZIS.
and here is how...

So mother thought we should have some "family bonding time as a family" (That was deliberately redundant.)

She tries this sort of thing once or twice a month...

And this month's Olympic event would be...

S'mores by the 'ol fashioned great Amurikan campfire.

At first it seemed like a great idea. We got everything set up in our back yard and we used sufficient bug spray...

Ok. Here are some factors that have to come into play...

1. It's summer

2. We are in the Midwest

3. Our bug spray must have been the $2 Kristen Stewart Bland Brand.

4. We are in the Midwest

5. We are in the Midwest

6. The clock says PM

7. We are in the Midwest

8. It's summer

9. We are in the Midwest

10. Fire = Light

So I'm sitting with the fam.

Eatin' S'mores.

THEN THE NAZIS ATTACKED. Did they care about our bug spray? No! Remember, blander that Kristen Stewart.

Now I have experienced hostile mosquitos before. At the pool party they were penetrating my legs. and I could feel them. But they didn't HURT. Those mosquito's were like those girls in elementary school who gossiped about the straightness of your eyebrows as if they mattered. These were Nazis. They traveled in packs. They were swift with their penetrating scornful hate bullets. And they left a mark IMMEDIATELY after penetration. And they wouldn't stop and they wouldn't go away and you didn't last long. The campfire was up for like five minutes.

Worst five minutes of my life. I'm not kidding.

Then we did a collective

And we rushed to safety with haste.

I got a good look at one of the Nazis trying to penetrate my bulletproof jeans.

It was small. but THICK. And the other one I saw was HUGE and thin. And both were PAINFUL. And the bites were identifiable IMMEEEEEEDIATELLLLYYY. All of the bites were 10 times the size of a premature NY mosquito bite. They only got my right arm and back. (YES THEY GOT THROUGH MY SHIRT.) I wonder if they will swell larger than NY bites. Maybe I can pretend that I only work out with my right arm...

In retrospect we were asking for it.

"Hey it's night time. In the summer. In the Midwest. Let's make light for the bugs. It'll be fun!"

YES. I GOT AN F IN LOGIC.