The New Basement

Oh. My. Goodness. Ever since I entered my parents new Illinois home I have been paranoid. Like paranoid and BEYOND. The spider count has hit 28 I FOUND ALMOST THIRTY SPIDERS. And the worst part is that I'm not using hyperbole. I found 18 in the basement and 10 throughout the house. Two were hanging upside down from the ceiling and I almost walked into them. One was in the sink of the bathroom. Three were scurrying across the floor. I found four on the window panes. As for the terrors in the basement: 6 made their homes on the ceiling. And I found TWELVE in the corners of the floor. Let me tell you a personal encounter with one of these eight-legged ninjas...

So my mother and I were folding linens. The children were playing with a curtain on the floor. All was peaceful. All was well... Then suddenly my mother releases a quick and jarring whisper "TURN AROUND" and I did. But very soon after I really REALLY wished I hadn't. It was a creature. Long legged and hanging quietly from the ceiling: legs twisting and turning like a demonic acrobat. I was paralyzed. But no. It didn't end there. Laying below it were the children, their innocent playing completely contrasting the air of emminent disaster above as the killer slowly descended. "get it" stated my mother but we both knew there was no way in hell I would touch that thing. "Should I get it then" "YES." "Fine, get some tissue from the bathroom." I didn't find any tissue. There was only toilet paper. Also I was slowed down because I didn't know how much toilet paper would be needed. "HURRY. IT WILL GET THE KIDS." I knew it was now or never, I needed tissue NOW. I had to get it for the children. So I quickly collected the toilet paper and handed it to my mother: who proceeded to crush the little booger in between the manufactured buttock wiping paper with masterful precision. She then handed me the result and told me to "flush it." I ran like the wind. I was moving as quickly as possible and yet I still felt a struggling leg scratching the side of my thumb. When it was all over. I was shaking, my heart was racing, and my spirit was breaking. I struggled folding the linens because my mind was constantly playing tricks on me. Every time I pick something up, I expected the worst. It took me a full hour to get over this predicament. 

Spiders are like spiders: the terror they bring doesn't compare to any other abomination.