Let's kill two birds wi-- That's pretty messed up. Nevermind

"Two Steps" by Alice Russell

This song perfectly describes my relationship with this blog. I'm on track yet I'm ALWAYS BEHIND.

Luckily I can catch up because I did TWO major things today.

I went to the dentist and I got my drivers license (FINALLYHALLELU!)

So I want to talk serious.

Get real with me for a moment.

OK so I never liked the dentist.

I mean think about it.

This person is PAID to stick sharp objects in YOUR mouth.

Don't look at me like that hear me out man!

Sure, they have gone through all of the training required and undoubtedly know what they're doing...

BUT SO DID THIS GUY

       Freaky Fred.

Freaky Fred went to barbering school, got his license, owned a barber shop.

However, he was a lunatic.

HE SHAVED EVERYONE BALD.

Of course they couldn't stop him. He was "The Trained Professional." 

Now think of the dentist.

You don't know them on any personal level.

They scrape your teeth with all sorts of metal objects.

They put all sorts of chemicals in your mouth that you shouldn't swallow.

AND YOU DON'T SEE ANY OF THIS PROCESS.

Your dentist could be just as secretly crazy as Freaky Fred.

Your local cashier could be just as secretly crazy as Freaky Fred.

Any service provider could be just as secretly crazy as Freaky Fred.

Sorry...

Now I got you all paranoid of everybody...

As long as you have your safety bunker you'll be fine...

WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE ONE?!

It's already too late!

Ok now that you're excessively paranoid I'll end the post here.

The final questions...

"MineTurtle" by The Living Tombstone

HOW DO IIIIIIII...

(Z)

Zip a file?
With the zipper.

Zoom in?
Use the + symbol.

Zoom out?
Use the - symbol.

Zoom out on my mac?
WAIT I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT CAMERAS...

Coudja be a little more specific with the questions?

(X)

YOU KNOW WHAT. THIS IS FREAKING BORING I'M GONNA ABRUPTLY STOP.

"But I wanted to see the re-"

hush yourself.

I'm sorry if this was actually amusing you but after the 20th letter things kind of get monotonous...

What did I do yesterday?

Well, I was ordered to clean the house and I did it extra well in order to watch the Breaking Bad premiere. 

IT WAS SO UTTERLY WORTH IT.

And I will say nothing because you have to experience it for yourself. 

If you have experienced it already, kudos, you have an A++ in TV viewing. 

That's what I did yesterday.

If you think I'm going to finish the Google thing...

I'm not.

I mean it.

Let's do row 2 of the "HOW DO I" game!

"Tiger" by Maximum Balloon

ALL right let's kick it into gear.

HOW DO IIIIIIIII....

(A)

Apply for medicaid?
Talk to a government official.

Apply for unemployment?
What the hell did I just tell you?

Apply for food stamps?
Ohmygosh stop.

Apply for a passport?
This early and the toilet is causing more problems...

I'm humbled by the letter A.

(S)

Screenshot?
the butttooonnnssssss.

Screenshot on a mac?
THE BUTTTOOONNNSNSSSSS.

Start a blog?
Just type. Don't stop. Boggerz 4 Evah.

Sync my ipod?
Plug it in Plug it in!

More screenshooting? meh!

(D)

Delete my instagram?
Read the FAQ.

Delete my facebook account?
Read the other FAQ.

Delete my twitter?
Read the OTHER other FAQ.

Delete an app?
Hold it wit' 'cho fingah and press dat X.

That's how you wipe your social existence.

(F)

Find my IP address?
IT'S BEHIND YEWWWW!

Find my iphone?
CALL IT.

Find my apple id?
DID YOU EVEN MAKE ONE YET?

Find my Wifi Password.
Google won't help you here, kid.

These questions are so stupid!

(G)

Get a passport?
What? I didn't hear you.

Get ios 7?
USE YOUR COMPUTah.

Get you alone?
.......umm.... stranger danger much?

Get rid of ants?
Buy a tarantula bad idea I meant anteater.

I'm slowly walking away from question 3...

(H)

Hide my friends on Facebook?
If they need to be hidden they probably aren't good friends to begin with...

Hard boil an egg?
UMM. BOIL IT.

Hack someone's Facebook?
Hacking isn't even needed. Everyone stays logged in.

Hide my IP address?
Umm... there is no need to do that. AND as far as I know YOU CAN'T.

Hacking and hiding. People are sketchy...

(J)

Jailbreak my iphone 4?
GASP! DAT'S ILLEGAL!

Jailbreak my ipod?
DAT'S STILL ILLEGAL!

Join instagram?
UMMMMMMMMMM. Get the freakin app.

Jailbreak my iphone 5?
STILL ILLEGAL!

So much lack of legality! sigh...

Know if I have bed bugs?
I think you'll know when they start sucking your blood and leaving scars.

Know I'm pregnant?
Well... Your regular schedule will be interrupted.

Know if I have a yeast infection?
Well, have you been inhaling your yeast?

Know if my iphone is unlocked?
SEE THOSE APPS? YES? OK GOOD.

Lots of disease and pregnancy and vampires here.

(L)

Love thee?
Food.

Live without you?
Don't die.

Look?
Like a webpage.

Live?
You're doing that as we speak.

Very dramatic...

OK row three next time I can't post something important!

OK so I'm three posts behind and I failed the IL driving test twice.

"Sonic2 Chemical Plant Zone" by C.D.S.

So I'll tell your how I failed to this epic Sonic music

So the first time I failed I was kind of derping around cause I was nervous.

I wasn't even checking my blind spots.

Then yesterday I had almost everything PERFECT but I turned the wheel the wrong way parking downhill.

So basically I derped during and only during the most important part of the test. 

I was a chest hair away from passing the damn test.

One god-awful chest hair.

But hey, I'll do it again soon. I've been through it twice. My birthday is July 12th. 1+2 is 3.

3 is my life number.

And I share my birthday with Bill Cosby.

IT'S FATE.

I know. DEEEEP DOWN IN MY HEART. I'm gonna pass that thing.

I have a driving test in a couple hours

"Voice Yr Choice" by The Go! Team

This song helps me mellow out...

So yesterday I spent time preparing for my driving test.

I took a 175 question practice test.
I parallel parked perfectly quite a few times.

I'm feeling pretty ready

I'm confident in my ability to get my license.

But I am just gonna take it slow so I can do my best.

I should be A OK.

And the best part is that I'll be using my own car. The one I've been practicing in...

So that increases comfort-ability.

I'll tell you how it all goes down in my non-make-up-for-yesterday-post.

I almost had a topic but then I completely blanked.

"Everybody" by Basement Jaxx

I'm feeling kind of randomly spontaneous like this song.

I am gonna need topical stuff though.

Hmm... Last time I was talking about the Spaghetti Monster religion.

There is actually a point to its existence though...

Oh reeeeleeee?

Yes really.

You see the religion is deliberately ridiculous. It doesn't mock other religions. But it mocks ridiculous stuff done in the name of religion.

I know, It's quite fascinating.

Alright so I'll just google the words to the beginning of a question and see what comes up...

Then I'll tell you what pops up when I type every letter of the alphabet to start the next word. I will answer these questions.

"HOW DO I" (no letters)

Love thee?

Give me foods.

Get a passport?

You don't need a pass to use a portapotty.

Get ios 7?

Money.

Live without you?
Don't die.

TWO love topics? eww...

"How do I" (Q)

Qualify for unemployment?

Kick your boss repeatedly in the shin.

Qualify for medicaid

Spend all your money.

Qualify for unemployment in NY?

Try theatre without any training.

Quote a tweet?

UMM. RETWEET.

HOLY CRAP. Is everybody trying to get poor?

(W)

Write a resume?
Organize your crap.

Watch videos on instagram?

Update your apps people.

Write a book?

JUST DO IT.

Wipe my mac clean?

CLOROX.

People care more about Instagram than books? sigh...

(E)

Enable cookies?

Buy an oven.

Edit a PDF?

PRINT IT AND USE CRAYONS.

Enable Java?

Go to Starbucks.

Enable cookies in safari?

Bring them with you.

Cookies and coffee sounds pretty good actually...

(R)

Renew my passport?

AGAIN WITH THE PORTAPOTIES! GO AWAY.

Reset my ipod?

Buy an iphone. Get with the times.

Reach these kids?

WITH YOUR ARMS.

Right click on a mac?

IF YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO THAT WHY DID YOU BUY A MAC?!?!!!?!???

One more toilet question and I swear...

(T)

Take a screenshot on my iphone?

PRESS THE BUTTONS.

Take a screenshot?

PRESS THE BUTTONS.

Take a screenshot on my pc?

PRESS THE FREAKIN' BUTTONS ASK ONE MORE TIME. SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

Tie a tie?

(I thought so...) loopdeloop n' pull.

Screenshots are such a high priority nowadays. I guess more important than tuburculosis... and twerking!

(Y)

Yolo?

Leave now before I shoot you.

Youtube?

Youtube is not a verb.

Yahoo?

YAHOO IS NOT A VERB EITHER.

Yodel?

Try to imitate a dying alpaca.

HOW DO I YOLO?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! 

(U)

Update my ipad?

Get itunes.

Unlock my iphone?

How did you forget your own code to begin with?!

Unfriend someone on Facebook?

Is that really a question?

Use icloud?

There are so many ways TO use it that the question is unanswerable.

Technical idiots are everywhere!

(I)

Invest in my future?

Do you really think you'll find the answer from google?

Install fonts?

Money, I'm guessing.

Increase my metabolism?

EAT A BANANA FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

Install minecraft mods?

I have never played minecraft so I can't help you there...

I am so sassy with my answers...

(O)

Open a rar file?

Use Bitzipper (or is it bitzapper? whatever...)

Open my iphone?

SLIDE THE THINGY.

Obtain a passport?

...............no................

Open a zip file?

Bitzipzapper.

The toilet had the audacity to come up again...

(P)

Put this gently?

Don't sass me like that.

Print screen?

Click "Print".

Print screen on a mac?

Don't make me repeat myself.

Put this disney?

......Wha?

GOOGLE SASSED ME BACK?! Wow.

Next row later peeps! 

Gosh darnit.

"Into the Thick of It!" by The Backyardigans

I HAVE NO TOPIC.

I AM STUMPED.

My creativity.

OH WELL.

I guess I have to make a decision as to how I should entertain you this fine night.

You know what. I'll just google "Free internet entertainment" and see what I can find for you...

Nothing came up.

WHAT THE HECK?!?

HOW IS THIS GOING TO WORK?!?!

Hmmmm...

Lets try googling "flying rabid turnips"

WAIT THERE IS A CHURCH FOR THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER?

YESYESYESYESYESYESYIIISSSSS

CONVERT ME.

Where was I?

Oh I only typed in flying...

Nope. No rabies anywhere.

I find the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster much more entertaining.

So that will be your entertainment.